you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
