im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
