did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
