Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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