Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
