Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
