i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize