1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
