If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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