i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
