I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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