What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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