All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
