i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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