Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
