vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize