I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
