the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
