Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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