it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
