In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
