There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
