the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize