He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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