My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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