you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
