the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize