I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
