Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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