there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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