were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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