Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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