Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
