I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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