Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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