Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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