woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I got inside last night via doggy door
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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