Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
