Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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