so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
