Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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