I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
pray to the hookup gods
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
