i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
