So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
