I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
