My girlfriend figured out who you are.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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