dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
