ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
How external is "for external use only"?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
