There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
