I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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