You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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