Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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