our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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