It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
