Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
