I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
