Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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