Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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