my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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