There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
