I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize