You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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