Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
