Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize