I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize