I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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