I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
