i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
