Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
