Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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