Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
