Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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