He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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