Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
