Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
